It's all about Boundaries....

Boundaries are traditionally about declaring where a territory begins and ends, such as a country border or a fence around a property.  

Physically we see the line we cross as we enter someone’s property, or we are aware of the international customs border when we travel, we are in someone else’s space, hopefully welcomed or invited.  We operate respectfully inside this physical boundary abiding by the house or countries rules and everyone feels safe and secure.  

So if you were to enter a property or country without consent, then you could be received by the owner or host as a potential threat, until your purpose is established. The owner or host may decide in that moment to consent or decline your visit, based on their own assessments for personal threat or interest in your company at that time. A boundary is enforced.

Physical boundaries like these are easy to see, understand, establish and maintain.

Personal boundaries are another story, they are blurred, crossed, misunderstood and difficult to maintain for many people.

Personal boundary lines are not clearly visible to the naked eye, yet they are there.  They surround you creating a spherical energetic perimeter with you at the centre.  And it is up to you to express the nature of those boundaries by communicating clearly to the world who you are and what you value.

What I have come to learn about boundaries, whether setting or creating them has been a personal challenge for me life long.  I know it is like a muscle that needs training, a child that needs nurturing, and nourishing and a soul that needs free expression. With a whole lot of compassion for self for when we drop the focus and falter on the way.

Having said that, I do know that we begin to create personal boundaries when we know who we are, where we start and finish, and where another person starts and finishes. What I mean by this is, where our responsibilities truly lay.  

When we operate knowing we matter and are worthy of being responsible for self first and understand this is not a selfish act, rather, it is a boundary with value which allows us to be clear in our energy and self caring.  

The clearer we are in being in our own energy, the less likely we are to be caught between the blurred lines with people. 

This means when we communicate with others we can listen freely and supportively to their story and not blur the energy space, by personalsing their experience to our self and act with defenses.

I learned this magic term from one of my greatest teachers - Stay in your lane! 

This creates a quick visual picture in my mind as a reference to assess, am I responding or reacting with my communication. From here I can adjust me behaviour to align with my boundaries.

By taking responsibility for our lessons in life, being accountable for our choices and exercising our freedom to to take up our space and live empowered to BE our true self, we are communicating our boundaries. And staying in our lane!

From this perspective we are available to show up as a support person to another, without taking responsibility for the person and denying their opportunity to be responsible for themselves and communicate their boundaries.

Being able to communicate boundaries and taking responsibility for self requires a few ground rules - one being the ability to confidently and clearly communicate saying Yes to You and No to Others without fear and attachments.

Let’s learn about NO!

Saying no is hard for most of us and yet when you think back to being a toddler, it is often one of the first words we learn and use freely!

Through many experiences growing up and into who you are today, you’ve learned that saying No has had some tough consequences - based on fears such as feeling left out, a sense of not belonging, experiencing punishment, or believing something was wrong with you or no one liked you when you said No. Some how we personalised hearing a No, to mean it was all about us.

To find a work around to those consequences forming uncomfortable fearful feelings within, you adapted to the environment and learned to people please, to compromise your boundaries and ultimately keep the peace for others, at the expense of your own inner peace.

You learned that your own well-being was not as important as others. Thus, begins the pattern that carries the burden of not being able to speak your truth, feel good enough, ask for what you need, prioritise yourself, create and maintain relationship boundaries and ultimately self care.

What builds underneath this layer of outward behaviour to support others wellbeing above your own, is a quiet resentment that may be expressed on occasion or internalised deeper into your body.

If we pause here just for a moment and consider those insights, it would make sense to be motivated to choose another way to Be, to ease the mental and physical toll living in this pattern.

Taking a closer look at the pay-off for keeping the outer-peace and trading your well-being and inner-peace for others, is we believe that we are being and doing Good, we are being Unselfish and Caring putting others before ourselves.  

Often these qualities are favoured and cultured into us as being worthy of endorsing, we hear the praise given then interpret and internalise this acceptance as a value given to us.

Doubting our true self, we keep applying these behaviours, seeking approval, and eventually believing we are deserving of nothing more than the validation from external sources, forgetting that we are enough already.

This compounds over time to the deeper belief that if we adopt more of these behaviours then just maybe, we fill the void we created by denying our inner-peace and well-being. Unknowingly, we are outsourcing our value, worth, and identity.

Yet, this pay-off comes with its own personal costs, and often shows up with a health alert to get your attention to refocus.  We may see this as a general mental fatigue through to a total body adrenal burnout or even more serious conditions.

The reason being, living in this pattern is draining your energy, it’s not sustainable, not your responsibility, and not honouring you or your purpose.

The liberation of recognising this pattern now, is that you can choose another way, you can create healthy relationship boundaries, you can relearn the value of yourself by remembering who you are, and you can get very confident and comfortable saying Yes and No, as appropriate to the empowered you.

The benefits of living and honouring your value and worth are immeasurable! 

When you apply the tools to express your value and worth to others by creating boundaries, you are educating people as to who your are, what and who is important to you, and being clear of the parameters for everyone.

I know I really appreciate it when meeting people and recognising their character as being, What you see, is what you get, or a sense of ease as you understand, You know where they stand.

What is clear in these examples, are their boundaries!

What if we have the belief that setting boundaries is just too hard?

Well, believing anything is too hard and staying on the familiar side of any negative feedback pattern, will definitely keep you in your comfort zone.  So the status quo remains.

Changing a life long pattern requires a new approach to self. And what we know about learning anything new, is it requires active practice until it becomes integrated into your way of operating and being. 

And just like when you go to the gym to train your body fitness, build and reshape muscles, it is uncomfortable at the beginning, then crosses over to a routine that is programmed with little effort to maintain.

The first step is always identifying the need, or desire for change, followed by deciding it has enough value and worth to you, which then allows you to engage your commitment and dedication.

To begin the process ask yourself, what/who is your highest priority in life?

Hopefully, You show up on your list and hopefully, you can recognise that you need to be at the top of your list!  Even if you are a parent/guardian/caregiver with dependents!

Think of any helpful inflight airline safety instruction : in case of emergencies, the oxygen mask will drop in front of you, apply to your self first, then assist your children!

So here is my in-life safety instruction:  prioritise your wellbeing!  

Why? So that you may enjoy the benefits of showing up in your best, healthy and vital version of self and extend that to the people you interact with, receiving the best version of you.

I hope it’s becoming clearer for you, that in order to support your wellbeing, you need to create healthy boundaries, which is one of the many ways you apply your own oxygen mask for life.

Back to how to create boundaries…

Easy - let’s take a look at this example.

When presented with a request, situation, or offer that requires you to respond yes/no. 

And it is not a whole hearted, can’t wait, so excited all together resounding YES!  

Then you know you are either needing more information and/or really tipping into the No camp, or the limbo state of Maybe (while you search for the correct people pleasing No)

You feel uncertain how to reply - you know deep down you want to say No, but how?  So you begin the negotiation within to determine what can you compromise of self, to say Yes, how much will it hurt you, drain you or pain you to say Yes? What can you live with?  

You believe you can’t let people down - Right? Why? Because disappointment and rejection are uncomfortable emotions for you and you recall the hurt they cause you.

If time allows we may even ignore a decision, creating delays and prolong the mental anguish, causing further fatigue.  In searching for an answer we may move on to trying to assess our gut reaction, our intuition - if we are lucky we can get a clear signal, but if we are anguished we cannot confidently register what the gut reaction is - anxiety or your internal intuitive signal. We doubt self.

Sound familiar?

How to move forward with confidence saying Yes and No…

Take a Pause before you reply.

The Pause - allows you to -

Get Grounded

Take a Breath 

Get Connected 

Recognise what is happening within 

Assess your internal Capacity/ Energy level

Filter Motivation- allows you to determine your priority order

If I Choose Yes, is it for Me or Others

If I Choose No, is it for Me or Others

Choose with confidence and without excuses-

Note: When Giving people pleasing excuses, we default to the involuntary justification we need to offer on the end of a Sorry No, because of, xyz.  We are trying to appease or ease the suffering we think the recipient has with our decline. We try to manage what we assume is their rejection, hurt, and confused feelings.  Why? because we learned that No has consequences that impact our self esteem remember. And we don't want to hurt anyone, as we remember our own hurt.

When choosing No to others, you are in fact choosing Yes to you - bravo !

Remember that No is a complete sentence, which is a refreshing and simplistic repsonse, with that in mind, be authentic and clear in your decline response, show gratitude and kindness to the recipient.

This in turn means that you are showing them your value and theirs respectfully, and creating a boundary that is not hard or cold or uncaring of their needs, but is infused with consideration, and heart. You are showing them who you are, how you support your values and energy, by where you stand.

You are setting your boundaries !